Saturday, 28 July 2007

Rude awakening

I had a rude awakening just as I was enjoying myself finding out about myself, my sexuality and generally discovering what it was like to be a young woman of 18.
I was trying to find my own life but did not find it instead I was raped by a group of five dickheads who was lead by one nasty bastard who could not take my having ignored him at the local pub.

I had had the audacity to laugh when he tried to make a move on me. I had not meant it personally he just was someone I did not trust, he was too slick and too full of artificial artifices. Such youthful exuberance had to be punished so the nasty bastard lay in wait for me and got me into his car on a false pretext of taking me to see a flat. He knew I was desperately looking for somewhere to live.

Somehow he got me into his car for the trip back into town via a pub, called the Butler where I was not allowed to get out of the car but instead he filled it with other young men then after insisting I drink a lot of mountain wine he sped off in the car out of town and up into the hilly woody bits at the edge of town.
Hours later I was dumped back in the town center. Now many years later I think I was lucky they did not panic and kill me. Could so easily have happened. People do stupid things and then panic and make it worse by making it murder.

Although I do not remember much in the way of clear memories I do know that I was humiliated and stripped of my clothes and made to go round from one to the other masturbating them in turn with my hands and mouth while the others watched and waited for their turn, the guy whose idea it had been was constantly laughing at me and running me down. I recall him calling come on you can do better than that and is that all make it harder come on and more such exhortations.

Then at the end they all took it in turn to rape me lying in the back seat of the car. It was brutal stuff I am glad in a way that I cannot recall all that happened and also that I did not have it on my mind all the time, but it had also come back from time to time, every ten years its come back.

Until now I feel that I have looked at it enough I have seen the nasty memories and now I can finally bury them but I know they still have me in their grip, as this sort of stuff sits in your very body and can be reawakened at any time even when you are enjoying yourself.

That’s the cruelty of these memories they come back when you do not see any connection and they hit you at your core and cause great confusion and distress over and over and even when you know it should be gone, its now too long, a whole lifetime of being restrained from your own intimate expressions.

I was homeless and living with friends in a squat so I went there, and was really shocked by how they reacted. They told me to fuck off as soon as they heard what had happened to me. They told me that I was bringing them down and I should go away. I did leave as I was really shocked that these people who had seemed to be friends would treat me like that. After all had we not all been living there for a while sharing everything as friends.

It seemed they did not mind sharing the nice things like food and drink and grass but anything else, anything real that was to be avoided and kept outside the door. I went back out into the hostile unfriendly world and was down by Reading bridge looking at the water when a voice behind me said ‘don’t jump its not worth it” just for a moment I did consider this new option but did not take any action.

I had bumped into a funny scarcastic little bloke known as the professor, he was not too popular with my now ex friends and luckily I bumped into him as he wanted to help me. First he insisted I went to the police which worried me and I was very dubious about this course of action.

What good would it do I wondered. The police were well known for their prejudices. We went to the head office in Reading behind the old town hall and library. And the police behaved just as I thought they would, in fact they surpassed themselves by their sexism and racism.

The way they talked to me was quite incredible, really demeaning, disrespectful and totally intimidating. "Oh you want to make a charge of rape" "oh yes so you fancied abit of black and now you want to cause the lads abit of trouble by coming down here". I was put into a room for an examination by the police doctor but left just before this ordeal.

The professor was waiting outside for me and he was very indignant that the police had not been helpful at all so he then took me round to the house of some hippies he knew who lived up by the cemetery junction. They were nice people who he said would want to take me in and so I had somewhere to stay until I was back on my feet again.
I guess my mind put it away for some years as I even forgot it had happened to me and only remembered after I had been to a couple of meetings about rape also attended by several rape victims who had come to speak to us, it was only after that when I was very incensed at a meeting when I realized with a huge shock that I was also one of those victims!

I think losing my country and identity as a West Indian and a Trinidadian was very hard, losing all my family and friends even harder and then I lost my parents through the move. And then finally just when I was enjoying life discovering myself and my sexuality I was raped and lost my own identity and I was also homeless with the prospect of nothing and still I wanted to fit in to make the best of it all. I guess victims always want to fit in everywhere. And probably rape victims want to fit in more than others.

Some years later to my shock horror I realized the man whose idea it had been to rape me lived not far from where I was now living. This really shook me up so much so that I was walking really tortuous routes to avoid seeing him, for days and weeks I was walking home a very long route and feeling very scared.

Until one day I said no more this is enough and that day I did not take the back roads no I went straight down the road where I knew I would see the dick and sure enough there he was. Well I just went over and said hello and looked him straight in the face and said you do not scare me anymore.

I saw he was very nervous and that he was actually really worried. He wanted to know what I wanted I told him nothing and walked away. I then just went on my way home not sure what had happened but somehow his power to scare me had been broken. In the end he had been proved to be nothing more than a sad man.

Monday, 9 July 2007

Pitch lake, Trinidad

One time we were up at the pitch lake with some visitors and these Americans drove up in a big car and parked. We tried to tell them, well my dad did that if they parked there they would not be able to drive away as the car would sink in the pitch.

Well they were very rude and patronising, and they knew better. They did not want to listen and much to everyone satisfaction a couple of hours later there were shrieks and wails to be heard by the same Americans who could no longer drive home proudly in their Chevrolet. It was well stuck in the Trinidad pitch lake.

I still recall this with schadenfreude all these years later, must be well over forty, with much pleasure. I remember we drove away abit later and looking out of our rear window with delight at the stuck car. Oh well they had been very rude and patronising to us all.

My uncle Edgar was wonderful; he was the funniest man alive full of stories, always told with dry expression and lots of eye rolling. He had this dance, which he called neck and shoulder dancing which he did for us it involved him contorting himself like a pelican trying to clean itself in polite company.

His neck and shoulders would jiggle from one side to the other with the head being wagged about and pointing the face first up one way an then another in quite a formal manner and this was accompanied by lots of strange facial expressions. He would always try and involve others and get them to join in much to the amusement of the onlookers.

When he died auntie Gussie was so grief stricken, she had been kept totally ignorant that he was seriously ill and was not prepared for him dying. The day of the funeral we were all at the cemetery and auntie was crying steadily as she had been doing for two days then the moment happened where the family throw earth on to the coffin and she did but then she threw herself onto the coffin screaming” oh Edgar…my heart my life is over oh take me too oh take me too”

Everyone was appalled at her letting herself go quite like that, ok to being emotional we all are it’s a trini thing but this type of emotion well was this not a trifle too raw too real? I was the only one being young who did not condemn her and she clung to me. Poor auntie Gussie.

It had come as a big shock to me even though I had been aware that uncle had been very sick, the last time I saw him he was obviously really bad and he was trying to show how he could eat food and was being fed jello by the nurse to show auntie how well he was doing.

Dad told me this story of buying a Royal Enfield motorcycle to impress a young woman called Clarinda. As soon as he could the very next weekend he got on his motorbike and rode out to visit his beauty in Central Trinidad.

On the way he had a series of small misfortunes on the bike getting lost and ending up with it running out of petrol not far from her house. He felt like turning round and going back but no he carried on walking, getting hot and sticky and extremely thirsty.

Horror when he arrived there was a fine sports car parked in the drive someone else had got there first and even worse a chap he knew was already sharing the couch. The other fellow, Lance seemed to sneer as they said their hello’s, it was clear that he thought he was the winner.

And of course he was as was only too evident in the way he was greeted. Clarinda seemed delighted to see Pelham but the young woman while friendly only had eyes for Lance who promised her a ride in his car.

After tea and sandwiches and a polite interval later dad said his goodbyes. On the way past the abandoned motorbike he kicked it into the ditch could not bear to ever see it again.

Happy Trinidad stories must contain your everyday stories of commonplace brutality, like the stories I was told of school days at the big very expensive and exclusive boys school run by brothers.

The brothers had a reign of terror, which they enforced by extreme brutality. Pupils were hit as a matter of course, every time the teacher walked past their chair in class they were hit over the back of the head.

Someone told me he got beaten so bad one time they broke his leg, luckily his family got him out and he was treated in hospital. They did this to control them to break the boys spirits so they could be moulded into good cowed Christian boys and model citizens. Also these boys were going to be captain’s of industry and they would need to know how to brutalise in their turn.

Other happy go lucky stories involve running over animals who wander onto the road, and as not all drivers will make sure they can either help or if they have fatally wounded an animal will check and if there is nothing else they can do make sure the animal is put out of its misery by running over it again in the car.

Trinidadians are taught to be tough about that sort of stuff. We can be friends with an animal one minute and curry it the next. The same mentality that says ‘ach Erika let the child eat some dirt its good for she” and or ” a little bit of dirt never did anyone any harm” That same cheery mentality will happily call people niggers but insist that they do not mean it in a bad way!

Why the hell did we leave Trinidad?
Still can’t understand why we left. What were the real reasons? All I ever knew was that” we left so I could get a good English education”. Auntie Jo says they left because they were damn fools who would not take advice and who once it did not work out in England, were too proud to accept help to go home.

The year after we had left the job my dad had wanted for a long time finally was available. In 1997 I hear that all the family had said” Pelham wait another couple years the job is yours but no he did not want to hear, he and your mother were set on their plans and that was that”

Auntie Jo, herself a teacher, also told me in 1997 that my teachers at my primary school had been idiots, that they knew nothing, she had seen that I was a bright child but they had not picked up on the same signs, they saw me as being disruptive, not as someone who was bored because she was quick and had read everything already. But someone who caused trouble in class.

What I needed was education not repetitive exercises with no purpose. My reading was really good before I went to school, as I was reading already and books for older readers. Not really surprising with my favorite auntie being a teacher. Also I went to a pre-school school and was very much encouraged to read there.

My best friends mum ran the preschool and very much encouraged me to read and express myself. The English primary School cold not cope and had to take me back down to their perceived reading levels for a kid of 6. Nothing like the books I was reading which already included some Jane Austin. Books I still read and of course understand more thoroughly than the first reading when I was 6.

Apparently the head mistress told my dad that there would be no point them waiting for me to do the 11 plus as I stood little chance of passing the exam. Auntie Jo said this was rubbish, that I was a very bright intelligent child. Which made me happy on the one hand and also sad, so all those ago years I had not been stupid just not educated.

Gradually there emerges a story of catholic guilt fuelled by the catholic establishment and all the nobs in Trinidad. Because my dad had been married and then got divorced and then remarried in a registry office, he was not allowed to marry in church, I am seen by the church as a child born from an unsanctioned marriage- a bastard. Apparently one day at mass the Bishop of Trinidad remarked to my father that he was surprised to see he was still in Trinidad considering that he was such an embarrassment.

Why the hell did we go to England?
From living in Trinidad surrounded by family and knowing lots of people to living in Reading and knowing no one was a hell of a change. It was weird being referred to as the German woman’s daughter. The nuns at the convent school in Hendon, had shouted at me until my trini accent was gone

My poor de-accented voice was now described as posh by stupid fools at the local school; kept as fools too by (some violent) teachers who did not come to work to teach but to keep us scum controlled until we started that factory job or time in prison. Surely this was not what we left Trinidad for?

The nuns predecessors in Trinidad, the teachers at the English school had tied my left hand behind my back when they found out I was left-handed. Imagine yourself doing that to a child tying their left hand behind their back and make them relearn writing instantly with their right hand and write as good if not better than the others. And why, well because it was supposed to be a sign of the devil. …. And we went to England?

My mum still cooked and baked like we knew lots of people and had family who were likely to pop by. Christmas it was very noticeable as mum baked a mountain of biscuits and cakes and we had to eat a huge turkey with all the trimmings, and then endlessly sandwiches and salads for days and days after Christmas and of course the ham on the bone my dad got from his work.

All the surplus food reminded us of all the people far away in Trinidad and those others closer in Germany. We had too much, it had to be eaten otherwise it was wasted. So we were always particularly fat and miserable around and after Christmas.

Sunday, 8 April 2007

Heaven and Hell

One minute I was sitting on the veranda at home in 6, Little Road, Cascade looking over to the hills on the other side of the bowl like valley and seeing the twinkling lights of downtown Port of Spain.

And what seemed like the next I was sitting in an ugly living room in our Wimpy House (ex show house) in Emmer Green, Reading.
Surrounded by a muddy garden with wooden fence on an estate that was not quite finished, we were surrounded by houses being built all around us and the heavy machinery and all the workers during the week and at weekends it was deserted and unlovely.

What an oases in a veritable Garden of Eden. It was not a pretty sight nor was it a very exciting or fun sort of place. It was a sort of suburb on the outskirt of town and with an erratic bus service and out of date timetable.
Up to now the population had been either the well off who had their own transport or the council house tenants for whom the policy “they should be glad they get any buses up there” seemed to prevail.

It was the sort of place that at that time was not a real suburb but also not country somewhere in between, a sort of nowhere place. The only shops were a newsagent’s and a small sub post office and a fish and chip shop.
There were three pubs one with a skittle alley, which was very popular at weekends especially. There was a mobile shop and the potato and vegetable man came round as did a wet fish van and the Tizer truck.

Apart from the chicken shit tractor, which was the other most exciting event on the new estate. We were only 30 minutes by car from the town centre of Reading but it seemed like light years away once we had moved in to our lovely new wimpy house.

Going into Reading town centre became practically as exciting as going up to London but then only as far as logistics of getting there as although we were so close if you just missed a bus you could sometimes wait up to 40 minutes for another bus into town.

I remember sitting on that Cascade veranda with our Dalmatian dog Peggy and listening to the steel bands practicing for carnival. Evening after evening hearing them tuning their pans and going over and over the same tune. Very exciting especially when carnival time really is close, as you can feel it in the atmosphere.

The parties are getting more in number and suddenly it’s there everyone is happy as there are lots of parties and a great time had by all ending up on carnival Monday when everyone follows the bands and jumps up in the street.
It was lovely listening to the sounds, darkness comes quick out there one minute its daytime the next it is night. That’s when you see the fireflies’ lovely little darting flashes of light. This is a luminous insect that starts to fly just after darkness falls. Then the crickets start and it’s quite a concert.

In town the major concert will be the dogs all barking at each other as soon as it get as dark for at least a few hours when they finally do other important things like endlessly grooming themselves and each other.

Devalli is another beautiful memory the whole place lit up. Although an Indian festival, a lot of people join in by lighting candles on their veranda’s same at other times and of course kids especially enjoying celebrating Christmas several times as the adults obviously enjoyed several new year’s eve parties.

Getting a takeaway was different too we used to go out down to the savannah and getting a roti with potato curry. There were wonderful Indian women sitting with charcoal braziers and big iron griddles cooking roti’s to order.

There were also curry houses of all shapes and sizes where you could buy also hang and eat your roti. Some no matter how small had a couple of private rooms basically a couple of booths created with hardboard or curtains.
Or just lino and hope but they worked well and you could cram round a table and indulge in what you fancied. But it was usually more fun to sit in the main room and joining all the conversations or just listen to all the other people.

Every weekend we went to visit an aunt Jo and uncle Keith in San Fernando and ate with the family, as there were nine kids that meant quite a crowd. Often also their friends would be there so Sunday lunch was a busy and popular time.
It was a funny old house added on to what now seems to be a railway carriage. I wonder if it’s the train from the song “last train to San Fernando”.

When one of my cousins got married, her and her bloke just moved down the hill at the back of the house and built their house there. Then it was even more fun going to visit as there were now two houses to run in and out of, and have fun in.
Maureen was a lovely woman, and made everyone feel very welcome. This was her first house and she enjoyed offering all her visitors enormous hospitality. She was still the same when I saw her again in 1997 for the first time since I left in 1962. Then she was continuously freshening up my drink, usually because auntie would regally command her to do this.

My other cousin Aileen told me in 1997 that my mother had been a big role model where household presentation was concerned. She always admired how my mother had laid the table, especially for special diners. She said she thought it was very stylish and she took it all in, candles and all. Years later I found myself in Aileen's dining room thinking that it all looked strangely familiar. It was it was pure Erika style.

One time dad tried to kill a chicken for Sunday lunch and it did not quite go as planned. Instead of catching the chicken quickly from behind he turned it into a race round the yard, as he sprinted behind a chicken finally grabbing the bird and put its head under a box, then he cut off the head.
Bad move as the body sprung round the yard spraying blood everywhere much to my poor father’s shock and horror he finally captured the right body under the box and after a few more minutes all body movements had stopped.It had not been a pleasant event.
Poor fellow had to put up with a few comments about it on that day but also on numerous other occasions as my mother fancied.

My dad was better at catching crabs in the car headlights on the way home along the coast road. The he always had a big pan with lid in the boot the crab would be thrown in the pan. At home dad would make crab and callaloo, this is a delicious crab and spinach dish.

The best coast road near home was the one, which ran through the American base. You could use the beaches on the base but had to queue up for a permit to drive through to the beach. When you got to the top of the queue you were looked over, so was your family and anyone in your car, sometimes they might want to look at what you had with you.
Then you were given a piece of paper with the day date and time you came into the base. When you drove off, you were not supposed to stop anywhere on the way to the beach for any reason apart from accident or breakdown. And you were not supposed to be there after dark.So crab catching along this road certainly had some dangers attached to it.

Nevertheless dad caught his best crabs along that road, he also enjoyed it more. Quite often telling outrageous stories about the car suddenly cutting out and not being able to start until now. ‘‘Well what do you know! Fancy that suddenly the car is going again”

My mum was abit odd about the food, she was abit suspicious which is funny given what she must have ate during and after the war. She always worried that she would get cockroaches in the Chinese food.
Always talking at great length about how many of the insects would be walking about on the ceiling of the kitchen and that would of course mean that every now and then a few would drop into the food being prepared. That meant if we got any Chinese she would have to examine it to make sure there were no cockroach legs in the fried rice.

One time when we were round to dinner at auntie Gussie and uncle Edgar, auntie had made curried agouti, a type of mongoose, my mum could not eat it she felt unwell at the thought of it. Not me I enjoyed it, as did the others.

One day when mum was first in Trinidad and they were still staying with auntie Gussie and uncle Edgar, she got a package from Germany, in it a precious servalat worst (German type of salami). She hung it up somewhere safe, meaning to enjoy eating the odd slice here and there, while thinking about Germany with painful nostalgia.

Then the very next day she is woken up by the smell of something frying, drawn by the smell my mother goes to the kitchen to find auntie Gussie saying ‘’hello darling you have caught me out trying to surprise you by making breakfast” she also adds that she is looking forward to trying this strange German sausage she is cooking.

This is when my mother shrieks as she realizes she has cooked her servalat worst. Oh horror especially as she has been waiting for months for this special treat. I bet she went off and had a good cry about the loss of her servalat worst and the reckless behavior of Gussie who obviously knew nothing frying a servalat worst.
I bet she made sure that her biscuits from Aachen, the packets of Aachner Printen, peppery ginger biscuits, were well hidden before Gussie curried them for lunch the following day.

Saturday, 24 March 2007

The German woman’s child.

I guess that fitting in was something I have done since a little girl. I was after all the German woman’s child.
All my life I have always fitted in with wherever I was, and being a good girl I have always wanted to fit in to be part of it all. Not to be strange or different or in any way or offensive to the place I was in or the people.
On a few occasions I have acted naturally and been myself I have been heavily punished. On the one occasion through male private enterprise and the other the male establishment.

How could I do anything else but fit in, this of course takes away experimentation and learning from mistakes. Learning from my mistakes was rare, I was not allowed mistakes I had to be perfect at all times.
If I asked a question I had to already know the answer, my dad would bark the question back at me and if it was a genuine question I would get really worried he always barked the same sort of reply go away and read up on it and come back when you know what you are talking about!
Really strange behaviour and attitude, not something I have ever seen anywhere else, everywhere else questions spark off long discussions but not at our house. Everywhere else kids were encouraged to come and talk and ask questions, parents were there for them.

I had quite a strict regime at home, it was all planned and laid out the only thing that never got planned or discussed was what would I be doing, how would I make a living. They never ever discussed with me what might be a good idea or how to get there.
Somebody once asked me about the parental support I had got during my teenage years whilst trying to make important life choices. She could not believe my response that I had never had that sort of conversation with my parents.
Somehow I guess I was to marry well, someone professional like a doctor or engineer or lecturer. Shame they did not think I could perhaps be encouraged to go to university and become a professional person myself.

I was lying asleep in my bed by the window having a wonderful dream about swimming very far out at the beach it was a wonderful feeling just me and the water and the sky and sun. The sun seemed to be getting brighter all the time this was when I gradually became aware that I was slipping out of my dream and that I was not fast asleep anymore.
The bright new sun in my dream was in reality creeping slowly in to my room despite the wooden jalousie which was still closed although the slatted bits in the middle were half open through this the warm morning sun was starting to penetrate and I could hear the sound of the birds all waiting on the fence for the aptly named bird bananas to ripen.

Today should be the day the bananas were ripe enough by the sound of those birds. With this thought in my mind I leap out of bed determined to be the first to pick a ripe banana. I jumped up and out of bed and hurried out of the room half way to the bedroom door I blink, and then blink again and shake my head very vigorously then as I look around and notice things, it all comes back to me again.
I am not in my old room in Trinidad I am in England and have been for 15 years, a while now. There are no little pesky banana birds lying-in wait to eat my favourite bird bananas before I get to them there will be no walk in the savannah no ride down with my father to buy roti’s or Chinese food no trip to Mayaro beach this weekend in short it was just a very realistic dream. Once again a dream fooled me into thinking I was back at home.

When I was in primary School my father used to tell me lots of stories about all sorts of things, some of the stories were about Trinidad. According to my dad at various times the ships of a whole bunch of countries had just sailed up at one time or another, invaded and declared they owned Trinidad, the first to take over were the Spanish then the Dutch had a dabble but the French became the new power and after them came the English.
That was the reason, why he said we now spoke English as the English were the last, he thought it was a shame that Spanish especially but also French was not widely spoken as he thought they were all part of the Trinidadian culture.

One time he also told me how and why Trinidad’s population was so cosmopolitan, it was he said, a story of pure practicalities, the settlers had practically killed off all the local Carib Indians with the common cold and other European diseases.
So when they realized workers were needed in the sugar cane fields and cocoa plantations, they were looking for cheap labour so first they had brought in slaves, mainly from Africa, this did not work so well, then slavery was abolished so then they had got indentured labour.
First Indian labourers, but as soon as they had worked their time and they had saved up enough money they bought shops and land and wanted to work for themselves, so then they brought in the Chinese, they also preferred to work for themselves and started restaurants and other businesses.

Additionally there was indentured labour from Ireland, England, and Scotland as well as a plentiful supply of convicts who were shipped off for life. As well as a good cross section of other nationalities who were looking for a new place to live.
Which included a large contingent of war refugees such as Polish, Hungarian, French, German, Dutch, Russian as well as people from Syria, Lebanon, Jordan, Iraq Pakistan and many other places. Trinidad is a truly cosmopolitan island with a great cross section of people and cultures all mingling in one big delicious callaloo.

As a kid growing up among such a mixed population I thought everyone knew people from all over the world. When I was a little girl I used to ask my father where I was from he used to tell me that I was a quarter Irish, a quarter Scottish, a quarter German, a quarter French, a quarter Spanish, and a quarter Indian, a quarter African as well as a quarter English.
He said that made me a real Trinidadian. That was interesting but I remember getting very confused about being told that I was made up of eight quarters as I had just learnt in school that four quarters make a whole so what did eight quarters make?

That must make two, but how could I be two people when I was only one person. A very strange story, just like a lot of my father’s stories which I really enjoyed and most of which I totally believed too, like the story about my two German aunts.
Tante Ida and Tante Mathilde who lived under a lake. This was a very long and elaborate story, which went on for years. When I finally met my two aunts I was massively disappointed to find that they did not in fact live in a house under a lake but in an ordinary house on a street in a town called Bad Godesberg.

They did however have a fruit orchard and they were always very busy making jam and preserves and baking just like in his story; and their large interesting cellar was full of these jars. Whenever they had visitors they would bake a huge amount of fruit pies, cakes and tarts.
When I was there I helped them and used to enjoy being allowed to make my own little cakes, which my dad ate almost religiously even when I dropped them fruit down on the ground in my excitement to show him my cake.

The two old aunts were once part of a large family but their five brothers as well as their beau’s had all been killed in the First World War. After that their parents made them stay at home and look after them until they died.
They stopped attempts by both of their daughters to leave the house, Tante Ida did meet another man years after the war and hoped to marry him, but she was vetoed by her parents who told the man to go away and stop trying to contact poor Tante Ida.

My mum did tell me the story about the poor old tantes, which rather excited my tender feelings, and I recall crying when I heard how cruel their parents had been to them. No wonder they were abit eccentric.
I thought they were wonderful especially my favourite auntie, Tante Ida whom I adored, she was such fun and so sweet, that the idea of this sweet woman being kept a virtual prisoner by her parents in that house really got my imagination working overtime. Tante Mathilde was also very nice but she was not my favourite mainly because she had a bristly moustache and gave very damp kisses.

Mum and Dad.
My life with my parents Erika and Pelham, two of the many victims of ww2, and both with massive personal problems was neither heaven nor hell but usually somewhere just between.
This opening sentence is nothing like any of the opening sentences which I have thought of and then invariably rejected for years now, as not quite right, not dramatic enough to capture all the ins and outs and ups and downs of our relationship, nor dynamic enough or even soulful enough or whatever to capture all the details of our strange life and relationships in one sentence.

It certainly was not romantic like that very famous opening sentence in Daphne Du Maurer’s novel Rebecca “last night I dreamt I was in Mandalay”.
At times it was downright confusing and painful but mostly it was just dull and ordinary. Although we did have fun together too and we did love each other, but this was all taking place in a sort of pressure cooker environment that we lived in and could be broken at any moment by the resumption of what can only be called a big black cloud, which would descend for what seemed like never ending lengths of time.

As quickly as the clouds came so they could go away too and it became quite a worrying as to when they would happen and why, because as far as I could make out the black clouds could descend at any time without any warning, life became very scary indeed.
I never could work out what caused them, as they would suddenly be there for seemingly no reason at all. When the black cloud had descended this usually meant that my parents would not speak to each other or only through me, unless there were other people present.
I hated this and would wish myself anywhere else but with them, especially at mealtimes when it descended into farce as my mother would say to me “ Erika ask your father if he wants some Brussels sprouts or more gravy” and he would respond by saying to me” tell your mother that I have enough”. Sometimes she would try to coax him via me, into eating some titbit she had cooked specially for him.

Food became a nightmare and mealtimes already difficult became pure torture and I would sit there dreading my mother giving me a bigger piece of anything especially meat as this would provoke some sort of reaction from my father, the explosion of anger would invariably be directed at me.
It was hell, the only small comfort during the times they were not talking directly to each other was that my father did not explode in anger and start an argument if I were given a bigger piece of meat than him or in any way favoured by my mother, this was seen by him as being favoured above him. I hated it and longed to be back in Trinidad.

While we were living in Trinidad my parent’s problems and behaviour was tempered by the fact that we had lots of people around us there. My dad’s family were large and he had a lot of friends, both family friends and his own, as did my mother and I, there were always visitors around either family or extended family, in Trinidad extended family also means friends of the family as the adults are always addressed as auntie and uncle by the kids.
It was a rare occurrence for us to eat on our own as there were always people eating with us, friends or neighbours or cousins from San Fernando who would drop by if they were in Port of Spain round lunchtime and eat hang and lime for abit and then depart.
Someone was always staying the night, there was a spare bed in my room plus two or three mattresses, which were kept propped up in my room. My favourite place to hide indoors during a thunderstorm was to sit behind the mattresses with a torch and a book reading with my arm around our Dalmatian dog Peggy until the storm passed over.

My mother was suffering from various traumas from the war and my father while not immune to all the effects of the war in Trinidad, was also fighting the effects of living in a colonial culture.
He found out very quickly when he was a young man, that he was white enough for most things but not quite white enough for others.
He could do the work needed by his colonial masters and their servants extremely well and conscientiously but he was not white enough to be allowed into the Country Club to listen to the Glen Miller orchestra.

Once he was in England years later he realized quite how not the right type of white he was, as none of the people he had met out in Trinidad wanted to know him or even us, my mother and I. Of course once we were in England I became quite used to being referred to as the German woman’s daughter.
That sounds either like the title for a book or a type of social or medical problem. This had happened on a rare occasion in Trinidad but it happened alot in England and was pretty unpleasant as of course by 1962 this type of racism was supposed to have gone.
One time in my job at the Post office I was called to the phone with the message” there is a Pakistani gentleman on the phone for you” this was very intriguing for me until I heard the well spoken English of my father’s voice. A Pakistani gentleman indeed

For years I have wanted to write about my life, and for years I have been speculating about the opening sentence. Which means that this lack of opening sentence has dominated my life for many years and for years now I have been looking for the perfect opening sentence. And there it was right there in front of me all the time.
All I need to do was write it like I see it. It’s so easy to tell a story and yet so difficult to write it all down, to assemble all the parts, put all the detail in that the others may be able to see the same story. Must remember at all times that when writing I need to write as if I were writing a script for a blind person to follow instructions how to leave a room for example. Difficult not to censor myself, and become my own worse critic by criticizing everything even before I have written it.

So writing is not easy, but even more so, when I take each idea and dismiss it as too fanciful or not enough detail or what ever hundred and one excuses I have ready for not proceeding with the project.
The fact that I can not leave the idea alone is obvious proof to myself that I should proceed with the intention to write about my life no, matter how worried I get at times that this may be just some other pretension of mine.
It would be nice for me to give myself the chance to nurture this and make it happen. As to it being pretentious to write about my life and myself well I only have the one life so cannot write about another and besides that I am well qualified by living through it all to speak and write about it.

In 1968 we had a real holiday, we were going to drive to Spain and stay in a rented apartment in a seaside town on the coast just down from Barcelona. It was called Calafel and was situated on the Costa Dorado.
I remember being very excited but also concerned would we really manage to have a nice holiday? Would the two of them argue or would all be nice and happy for a change? At nearly every part of the journey there was potential for horrible arguments and hours of silent driving with the two of them only talking through me. But luckily everything went well with only the odd moment of friction.

Once we got to Calafel all seemed to be wonderful, the apartment was nice, a basic holiday flat with all the usual amenities. Even unexpected entertainment when my mother on examing the kitchen, tried to light the cooker in order to cook our first holiday dinner and nearly succeeded in blowing herself up in the process because there was a gas leak.
Luckily she got away with a bad shock and her eyebrows were totally singed. I recall dad jokingly saying well that was ok then as mum always drew her eyebrows in with eyebrow pencil. She did not see it in quite the same humorous way as he did but she soon recovered once she had drunk some cognac.

The next day the sun was shining brightly and all was well. Until my mother got annoyed with the people downstairs because they were too loud and were always cooking on the balcony.
She asked my father what “ shut up you dirty pigs was in Spanish and he told her to shout ”hermosa” at them so she did this whenever she got annoyed by them, which was daily and was a trifle put out that they kept laughing and waving back at her. Very strange she thought but gave it no more thought.

Then a funny thing happened, the day the people downstairs were packing up to go, they came up to our landing and smilingly handed over a bottle of wine and some local dried fruits & nuts and a box of sweetmeats to my mother and father and said goodbye with much smiling.
My poor mother was totally bewildered until my father told her that he had not told her the Spanish for ‘shut up you dirty pigs” rather he had told her to shout hello you beautiful people” her face was a picture as this bit of information seeped into her brain.
Then she opened her mouth, to shout I thought but instead she started to laugh until she almost cried and then practical woman that she was, she proceeded to open and enjoy the bottle and the sweetmeats. What a diplomat my father could be.

Tuesday, 20 March 2007

Gabitas and Thring

Sometime at the beginning of the holiday we went to some ugly shop in London called Gabitas and Thring where I was made to try on some ugly and uncomfortable bulky winter clothes after I tried on a few things we left and nothing more was said about this shop which was puzzling but that was normal, strange would have been if they had explained what was going on.

It was an odd sort of a holiday in England it lasted too long and it took me too far away from my family and my own background and to this day I do not know why we really had to leave Trinidad. I will never know the truth now, as my parents are dead. My Auntie Jo said they left because they were too foolish to stay, because they did not want the good advice of family and friends.

All of whom said wait be patient the job you want is going to be yours soon but my father decided he would take his little family go across the sea and there he would find a more enlightened life among people who ate cheese on toast with daddy’s sauce and had cardigans with leather patches on the elbows and we all had ovaltine before bedtime.

This was the England of storybooks the England that was only kind to a small ten percent and a poor fellow from Couva like poor old dad was just not in that 10 %. They liked to tell me that they moved to England so that I could have a good English education. They did not give me a good English education instead they put me into a quick succession of schools, in total I went to 7 schools.

First a convent school in Hendon, London. This was where I finally heard the plans which went like this: my father was going to be returning to Trinidad after Christmas when my mother would be going over to Germany, in fact they were going over there right there and then to be near the family, they would see me at Christmas time.

When I got to the convent school in Hendon I recognized the ugly clothes I had to try on at the beginning of our holiday and to my horror they were my new school uniform, with a bewildering amount of shoes which were for a variety of occasions. There were indoor shoes and outdoor shoes plus slippers for the boarder’s section and of course Sunday shoes as opposed to weekday shoes.

At St Joseph’s we all were permanently carrying round shoe bags with our lots of shoes. Me being at a convent school as a boarder somehow fitted in with my parents rather sad pretentious aspirations for the good life in England. But sadly they quickly realized they could not afford this expense and because they had taken me from school before the 11 plus exam I now did not qualify for free entry into the better schools.

I was put into some of the worst schools ever, in the Secondary Modern system where no one cared if you learned anything as long as you were present and quiet. After this shock and finding that home was now hell where three people tried to live with each other without any proper communication or even any real desire to be together it seemed. Plus we were so isolated and they did not encourage me in making friends.

They did not encourage me to do anything apart from that I had to always where possible sit with them downstairs. Hobbies or studying were not things they tried to stimulate at all. In fact sitting upstairs apart from for the purpose of doing homework was considered odd behaviour, my place was at all times with them.

So I would have to sit night after night downstairs and hear their silence interspersed with my mother or my father having a veiled go at each other or her mainly carping about something, always somehow suggesting he was not quite up to it.

My presence did not mean I could say anything because it did not, no I was just there because that was what families did they sat in silence until the next row broke out. It always had me sitting on the edge of the sofa, probably so that if I had to run I could be out of the door in seconds, I am sure its contributed to my back problems, as I still tend to sit on the edge of seats.

Strange they never tried to encourage me to do anything, there was no perspectives for my future just dire talks about how difficult it was going to be if I did not pull my socks up, that girls and boys who did not do well at school would not have such a good life and then again they would talk about a good marriage with a professional man.

And if they referred to any plans it was always in the negative as in of course you will never go to university or of course that won’t be you doing whatever it was because you would not be good enough. Never any sort of encouragement never any positive reinforcement, wherever possible they always focused on the negative.

All this was really hard to take there was no perspectives for the future. I felt quite desperate; things flared up at my 16th birthday party where to my horror and amazement my mother insisted that I have a party at home. I had not had a birthday party since we left Trinidad in 1962.

She also said that I could invite some friends, this had me really apprehensive and nervous, I mean it seemed like a nice idea but what would it be like on the day? And what would they be like, would they be in a good mood or would my father suddenly have an attack of the blimps. Oh well trying to be wildly optimistic that this was a sign that I was being taken abit more seriously at home I invited some friends to come by on the 17 march.

All seemed to go well until there was some debate about the type of music and the volume then it turned abit sour when my dad decided to do his draconian bit and decided that not just the music would have to stop but the party too, there was pandemonium when he ordered everyone to leave right away.

As well as the guests leaving so did I, when they did not see me I went out of the door. I was really upset felt really let down and betrayed, I headed off to the nuns place to see them and the old ladies I got to know through the volunteer project from school. They were shocked at my distress but not surprised as they knew my home situation, they did advise me to let them tell the police where I was.

The cops came down to speak to me, they were very understanding and the woman cop told me that if I had tried to run away at 16 that I could be made a ward of court which would last until I was 21 and would entail lots of unpleasant court appearances etc. She told me I should be sensible and wait until I was 18 as there was little to nothing my parents could do then, as it was legal for me to leave at that age.

So for the last two years at home between 16 and 18 I had been counting the days virtually before I left home as soon as I legally could. Which I did the very next time there was a major crackdown on me being a normal teenager and wanting to go out and enjoy myself, I think it was all because I went to see Jungle Book with some friends who were unknown to my parents and therefore the personification of evil to them.

This then triggered off a huge row which I independently resolved by going to school the next day and then doubling back after they had gone to their work I then put some bits and pieces in a couple of carrier bags and fucked off.

They did find me as a schoolmate from college grassed me up by phoning my parents and telling them where I was in Reading. Screaming and tearful scenes followed at the coffee bar I was in when they turned up, my mum even called the police but they refused to do anything when they heard how old I was apart from turn up to check that I was alright which I was. My mum then made a big scene by screaming and shouting that things would have been different in Germany!

Everyone laughed their heads off, she then made it worse for herself by saying very loudly she would have got some action from the police in Germany, and they were obviously not capable of doing their jobs properly, at this point the police stopped any communications with her and they obviously decided they had been more than professional enough and left for their station away from the abuse of this strange mad German women.

My mum seemed oblivious to all laughter from the clientele in the coffee bar who by now were very sympathetic to me she now stormed out of the place dragging my poor father with her and screaming abuse at everyone most of all the police. She was accompanied all the way up the little alleyway by the loud laughter from everyone present.

From Strasbourg to Trinidad, it’s all one big cultural callaloo.

Early Lessons in fitting in.

I remember like it was yesterday driving in the car with the dog, Peggy sitting up between us we are up on the Lady Chancellor highway looking down on Port of Spain.
It was a lovely afternoon blue skies and very warm, a lovely drive but a sad journey as we going to take Peggy over to the people who were to look after her while we were away in Europe.
I recall they seemed to be nice enough people, and their house and garden were ok and they seemed keen to have Peggy to stay. I was of course very critical of the place my adored Peggy would be staying at while we were away.
Mum and Dad, just kept telling me that we are off on our usual long holiday to Europe. Somehow it did not really feel true because at the same time my mother was packing up a lot of stuff some to be stored other stuff to be sent to England, there were lots of lists and stress and there was alot of unexplained activity at home.
Added to this there were a lot of tearful visits from family and friends who were coming to say goodbye, some of whom would occasionally grab me and overwhelm me with huge hugs and kisses and then burst into tears and leave quickly.
It did not add up at all. Even then mum and dad were still insisting that we were off on holiday, a long holiday, I did not know whom to believe. The last times that I had been at Auntie Jo’s or at Auntie Gussie’s were very dramatic and had an unreal air about them.
Abit like running a temperature, it’s the same sort of feeling that you get when your have a high temperature everything is happening at a different pace and everything feels out of sync and totally unreal.
And no one tells you anything, instead they are all talking about you, doing everything in your best interest but there is no direct communication with the patient. Being taken from the place I grew up in and taken off to another country without being told why and what was going to be happening was a very frightening experience.
The only person who ever told me something different to the holiday story was one of the friends of the family, Auntie Hermine who told me when we were up on deck of the ship we were sailing on, to take a good look around and remember everything well because I might not be back.
This worried me no end but soon the excitement of being on a big ship overtook all thoughts of Trinidad and the future. I was having a good time running about on deck with other kids, taking the dogs on board for regular daily walks and taking part in all of the activities they had organized for kids on the ship.
Added to that I was being taught to swim properly by Michael Miles from the telly quiz show ‘Open the box or take the money’. He was a nice chap we met on board who offered to coach me, it was nice to be treated like an intelligent teenager by him, all lessons were naturally held within sight of my sunbathing mother, who managed to interrupt as often as she felt like it which was often as she liked to be the centre of attention.
At mealtimes my mother had other plans, as she was a terrible snob and also very good at getting what she wanted, she had managed to get herself a seat at the captain’s table so I was allowed to eat with my dad at a table for two, instead of having to eat with the kids down in the nursery.
On the SS Antilles we had some great French food, presented in an old fashioned way with a lot of flourish and grandeur as well as quite a lot of showmanship. Every mealtime there was a bottle of red wine and a bottle of white wine, as it was a French boat it was assumed because I was 10 that I would also drink a little bit of wine.
There was always a huge carafe of water on every table. I still recall the crepes suzette, where they wheeled on this portable cooker and plotted up next to our table then the chef started to fry the crepes in the pan threw them up in the air and ignited them with brandy and served them covered in cream and oozing liqueur and flaming. It was very exciting. There were lots of these special treats as all the stewards mad it their business to spoil me rotten. It was a great trip on the boat sadly ruined by our cold destination.
It was very noticeable when we crossed the Azores and the last couple of nights it became clear that where we were going was a cold place. This was still April and it was pretty cool in London, in Trinidad it was warm in April and the mangos are just getting ripe, in England they have a hopeful saying that April showers bring Mayflowers. In Trinidad we have the mangos as proof in May.

Memories of me

Here I am suddenly 56 until recently getting older was not so bad besides its what happens. Life moves on year by year and suddenly instead of 26 I am nearly 56. Perhaps I should make use of the advantages age stereotyping can be and stop having red hair and let my natural grey burst through.

Old ladies can get up to anything they like cos for at least half the population they are not only totally patronised but they are also surely not capable of anything much as well as being invisible. Brilliant no one sees you anymore; just see what they think they see.

Take a friend of mine who is 70, she was telling me how one night she was just setting off on one of her round trips to supply some of her old friends with their monthly gardening supplies when halfway to the first address her car’s front right tire ran over shit loads of glass and the tire instantly deflated. And the car shuddered to a halt.

Before she could say London bus a police car had stopped and two young swaggering officers came over to her car. Good evening they said can we help you and before she could manage to say to much they proceeded to open her car boot and remove the spare tyre and tools and in a trice they had replaced the tire.

She was sweating buckets the whole time her stomach in knots. All this police activity was so close to the hash it hurt. After they had replaced the tyre, the officers put everything neatly away in the boot and then wished her a safe journey home and drove off and left her behind feeling rather faint.

Looking at my life and everything that has happened to me is like looking at some B movie. Nothing is just ordinary; everything is slightly over the top. Too much drama packed into a small time span, I mean surely one life is not enough for this much pain and drama. Torn away from friends and family in Trinidad at a young age, only tolerated by the European side of the family. Moving from paradise to a cold wet climate, no family and no friends.

Plus we didn’t have the money you need to establish ourselves comfortably certainly not the comforts my parents wanted. They had to have a detached house with two toilets and a garage. My mum was so full of shit poor thing she did not know where her lies ended and the truth started or was it the other way around.

Truth did not matter for her just getting her own way and having her version of history be the one that counted. Anything my mum was involved in had to be over dramatic and always played to an audience real or imaginary. Bloody nightmare for me having parents like this, nothing could be taken for granted least of all happiness.

In fact I grew very worried by happiness as every time we were happy nasty things happened soon after. Like the time when all seemed wonderful no rows nothing and just as I thought all was well my mum turned up one day at school. She wanted to take me she said for a quick holiday to Germany. Once there it turned out she had emptied the bank account and left dad and was not planning to go back. Or as she put it no way will I return to that violent pig!